From pipe dreams to pitfalls, we all know what it’s like to want something better but know it’ll only happen when we truly fail. Until we hit the fucking rockiest of bottoms and look at our lives and realize, this is fucking it. I have to grow up. Staying a child is no longer an option. No longer viable. From this point on, I will be forever different. And it sucks. You go from worrying if you have enough money in your bank account, which still has overdraft protection to your parent’s savings, to buy booze and condoms….to worrying about how much you should contribute to your 401k and still have enough money left over to buy that overpriced, but totally worth it, blender. I mean, juicing really is the way to go if you want radiant skin. And now that you’re older and the dewey glow of just being alive is diminishing by every cigarette break you sneak in between meetings, you only care about that one thing….maintaining what’s left. It’s all about ab crunches, drinking water, and counting calories. You’re 25 and you use your calorie-counting smartphone app more than Angry Birds and Paper Toss combined. Fighting is futile, and yet it adds such beauty of routine and structure to your day that you find it comforting to know that the one thing you can actually control is what you put in your mouth. Yep. You’ve gone from worrying about sucking cock to worrying about sodium content. 

So ladies and gentlemen, and really everyone who wishes it was still 1996: Welcome. Today is that fucking day that you fail miserably at life and realize that you have become a real-life, mouth-breathing, scared-of-commitment ADULT. 

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